ALHAMDULILLAH.for all the thing that i have.

thank you Allah.

for everything that I have. and for everyone that I met.

and I promise myself that I will do even better in

my relationship with You,

my parents, siblings and family,

friends, lecturers and all the people.

INSYAALLAH.

...

my study

because I will work even harder

please, 

help me Allah in understanding all the journals, 

ease me in writing and make my readers understand what I'm trying to say.

rant on parenthood

it is just a random thought. from a daughter, to their parents. anonymously.

just got a call from my lil brother. he said, he was punched by this boy at the school. 2 times! just because he was called 'bapok'. i wonder how those 12 years old boy learn the word bapok. i mean, they are just 12 kot. it is mean! but the thing is, he told my parents. and what my dad said was... 'it is okay. there is nothing worst pn'. like what? you can just tell your son things like that? but if those cases happened at his school, amboi. bukan main lagi. the intention of me writing this is not to embarrassed my father. NO! not at all. but, it made my heart felt like... i don't know. i do believe that my brother would not do anything wrong to the bully-er. it is not I am being bias. but he is my brother, i know him. i know that he is called bapok because he is soft-hearted. is this how the world is? you are being bullied because you are nice and polite to others. Allah...

at one point, i felt that we as siblings are not being treated well by our parents. because they are too busy. and, i am not complaining. i just want to know. where is our right as their child? it is my history. and our history. i am grateful with what we have now. Alhamdulillah for that. despite that, our relationship with our parents is not like others people that can literally bond with their parents. and sometimes i feel devastated that i am a daughter of a religious teacher but i never really practiced the way of islamic living *is that is what it is called? i know it is our effort thatto live the way of islamic life but doesn't it is a bonus if one of my parents is a religious teacher? well in my family, it happens to be, NO. we learnt Islam like other kids at school. in class. and never at home. it's not that we does not practicing Islam-way-of-life at home. but, xde beza pun between us and other people. 

.......

and you know what? this make me feel that i don't want any kids. i am afraid that i will do the same. i will treat them right and i will make my work as my priority. and not my kids. 

when the dunya become the main priority, we lose our main aim that is the highest jannah and that make us belong to those people who are lost. Allah, please guide us to the right path. please...

Allah, please forgive my mom and my dad. i know that they are trying really hard to give the best accommodation for us in this dunya. but we halalkan everything. 

did u ever...

urghhh. i don'tknow where to start!

ok. pernah tak. when u are telling someone about your problems, then the answer from the person is not what u really expected? for my experience, it happens all the time. well i guess there are only 2 people that can really persuade me to make me feel better. my mom and my supervisor.

as for myself, to confess something to someone is a one big thing. seriously. it's hard for me to share my problems with everybody else. because i always set in my mind that i can handle this. but at one point, this matter will eventually change my attitude. i tend to be stressed. loose focus. and my relationship with all the people will turn out to be teruk gila. i won't talk to people. since in my mind i always think that people will try to approach me. then ask for my problems. thennn i could get a really inspirational advice. disney movie sgt.

and this happen to be my biggest struggle of my life. and at the end. i'll cry. then i talk to my mom. goshh. sometimes to do something, u need to face up for yourself. i guess... 

timeline

23 March 2017

Done with master!

-waiting for viva presentation-

get a job; part time lecturer or tutor

September 2017

Continue study; PhD

save money to buy my own home and car

Dear Afifah. In case you forgot.

18th January 2015.

Along : 

Ummi, betulka keputusan yang Along buat untuk sambung master ni?

Ummi : 

InsyaAllah betul. Bukankah itu yang Along cita-citakan? Cuma mungkin jarak yang jauh buat along rasa sunyi, apatah lagi kawan kawan along tidak bersama Along. Apa pun Ummi tetap sokong cita-cita Along ini. Dekatkan diri kepada Allah, kerana Ummi rasa ada yang telah me-was-was pilihan Along. 

Ayuh, dayung sudah di tangan jangan biar perahu tenggelam sebelum sampai ke tepi. Faham maksud Ummi? Usaha sungguh-sungguh, jangan mudah putus asa selagi cita-cita belum tercapai nanti jadi buang masa, buang duit, buang tenaga. Berakit-rakit ke hulu berenang ke tepian bersakit dahulu bersenang kemudian. Tak lama along. 1 1/2 tahun sahaja. 

Pejam celik akan selesai, seperti Along buat degree dulu. Kuatkan semangat.

Allah tak suka orang berputus asa.

Boleh Along?

Because you are my the source of my strength. I just love you so much, Ummi.

A confession

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. (In the name of Allah, the most gracious, most merciful)

Assalamua'laikum. (May peace be upon you)

Ya Allah. I have a confession to make. I know that this is not the right place for me to spill the problems but I guess that this might be helpful to me. I just need to get this 'thing' out of my heart. U know, I got an opportunity to further my master study here, at UTHM. And Alhamdulillah I am very grateful for this chance. But, there are something that holding me back. I'm homesick. Like VERY HOMESICK. I miss my home; more like I miss my family. I miss my brothers and sisters. I miss my Ummi and Walid. Owh Allah. Only He knows how lonely I am here. You know, after being at home for about six months and suddenly you need to move from your own comfort shelter. It is just not the right feeling. I guess I am quite manja. 

But now, thinking back about what is happening all around me. I think I need to sit back, take an ablution and start praying and say thanks to Allah for the opportunity that He has given to me. As what Ummi has said to me;

"Bukan semua orang bertuah macam Along. After finished your practical, 

u got an offer to do master. Dan bukan macam orang lain yang mungkin nak kena cari rumah

sewa and everything, Along dapat dengan senang. Allah dah mudahkan jalan untuk Along.

Dah tu, master along setahun setengah ja."

Yes, this is what I want. I want to continue my study. And this is what I get. 

Dear Me,

I would remind to you about something. Do you remember that once you really want to go to MRSM. And Allah has grant your wishes. He gives you the opportunity to go to MRSM. And yes. You are homesick just because you can't live with your family anymore. You start to make a lot of problems. And I remember how Ummi and walid are really worried about you. They willing to fetch you from asrama after working hours and bring you back home. And, did you remember that for the first two weeks they willing to take your dirty laundry and bring back home so that you don't have to wash your own clothes even at that time you are already 16 years old? And did you remember that on every weekend they would come to you and take you for shopping and you just could spend all of their money without thinking about anything else. And they don't even say anything just because they love u. Didn't you notice that even your brothers and sisters does not have the privileges like you have? 

And what you have given to them? You didn't even focus or concentrate on your study. You failed your SPM. You broke your own dreams. And also YOUR PARENTS DREAM. You give nothing even they have give everything to you.

Dear Me,

I know that you could not remember everything that **** have done for you. But, by remembering some of them; they are all too much. They love you so much even you have done so many problems and the worse thing is, you never help them to build their way to Jannah. Think Me. Think. You have received the chance that you really want. Then do it the best you can. Never ever try to give up. **** really hope that you would make this thing right. They want the best for you. And they support you. Just look around you. Just look at how much they have spend for you. **** bought you a new laptop, a new printer and give you a car so that it will be easier for you. So that you will have the best convenience. And not to forget. Please remember how hard they have work for you and your siblings.

Dear Me,

Please remember that **** is now 51 and **** is already 55. They did not want you to stay with them for forever. They want you to fulfill your dreams so that it might be easier for you to help yourself if the time come. Please remember that you got your brothers and sisters that you need to take care of. Please Me. Do really focus on what Allah has given to you. Be grateful with it and do the best you can. Remember that Allah is there for you. ****, Angah, Alang, Achik and Adik are with you too. Just be strong not to give up. Remember them. And be glad and grateful with what you have.

Wish you ALL THE BEST. This is just temporary. The 1 and 1/2 years will be end at no time. And you will be reading this with a big smile on your face. I love you.