I wish for a better future; I shall work for it.

I have listed some of the things that I wish that I can get and it turns out that I still didn't get any of it. I didn't blame anyone for this *since I am always blames every single person around me if I didn't get what I want but for this time, I blame myself for not putting my effort to get what I want. So, what did I want?

I want to study abroad. YES. 

I have always wanted to go study overseas since in Form 1. It is such a great pleasure for me to get the opportunity to go somewhere as long as it is not located in Malaysia. I just want to see different cultures, go and travel for more new things and experiences. But I guessed that my effort is just not enough. And I wish that I have double and triple my effort before. As after my SPM I wish that I could continue my degree in Dublin, Ireland and I failed. After matric I still wish to continue my degree somewhere overseas and yet again I failed my matric and my dreams. 

Until then, my dreams have just fade away until this evening, I saw one of my friend posted her pictures pursuing her master study in Manchester. Gila kau tak jeles? I think this my time. I need to accomplish my dream and continue my study in the other side of world. 

and I pray really hard, also work for my dream.

Totally Possesive

yayy. being writing my blog again. pftttt. after hmm about a year. yes, a year! now, i'm done with my PSM. yup. i'm done with my psm and i got an a for my final year project. wohooo! Alhamdulillah *praise to Allah ;) and and and i finally got 3.66 for my final semester. well, at least i could feel how getting dean list is all about *which is feel nothing sbb i won't be receiving awards pn. sobss. but still, i got to cross out some of my wishlist! 

but now, i had finished all my classes, labs, assignments and etc and i have started my internship for about 2 moths already. i feel so insecure about my position. well yeah, since i'm not 'working' at a big company like Petronas *which i had been dreaming for, Gates IT and some more other big company. It just that i felt like, where is my chance to prove that I can do it? Where is the chance for me to shine? I really want to get the opportunity to work at those big company. I just want to try the environment! I just want it so damn much! But, thinking about it again, do I really want to go there because I want because I am qualified enough? Or maybe because I can be proud on where do I did my internship so that I can be proud of myself compared to my friends. Astaghfirullah *I ask Allah forgiveness. However, I still really hope that I can go to a company like that. I just want to feel how is it to be working in a big company with such great people. I just want to feel the rush. *sighhh. I hope that Allah will give me an opportunity to go and work there, someday. Or He might have other better plan for me. Might be. InsyaAllah *If Allah wills it.

pfttt..not a perfect timing

yup. not a perfect timing. i really wish that i can finish my degree asap. *dengan cemerlang nya. ok? i really tired with all of the assignments, projects, test, quizzes AND my PSM project which all of these thang need to be done within a month and some of them need to be done within a week. ughh stress. back to myself, i am who are damn lazy to do my works. i used to be a sleeping partner when it comes to system development. but na ahh, i am the one who do the report thingyy. so, my expert is with the report that no one ever care about. but, for this year, i need to juggle everything since i try really hard not to be in the same group with my clique. because i think that i want to do by myself. sighhhhhh..

well, for every semester, i always want to give up. then i will tell ummi. but then ummi said that; give up is the attitude that satan loved. they always wanted the children of Adam to give up. and ummi also tell me that it is even harder when she was sent by TokAyah to Jordan to further her study. there is no sms, whatsapp or even cellphone for my mom to use at that time. the alternative for her to contact to my grandparents is through letters. it is rough. and i believe that the only strength for her is just herself and Allah. which, i need to follow my mom's determination. i can't give up. i am given with all of the facilities by my parents. this is the time for me to repay to my parents for what have they give to me.

me vs. diet

assalamualaikum ;)

soo okay. for a food lover like i am, diet is something that can be VERY stressful to me. like. seriously. i love foods. really love all kind of foods. sort of. and to have this kind of belly can be very challenging. my belly cant be called belly but boyot, buncit and boroi. it's sad. i think i have been dreaming for having this flat tummy since teenagers and now i'm turning ladies and merely transforming to be a woman. i am 20. and i am about 8_kg. thank god that i have been gifted with this tall figure. but at some point, i can look like a giant. *long sighhhh.

but i'm being a such ungrateful person to my Lord. i just want something that might bring another level of confidence to me. maybe some people think that physical appearance is nothing but it is everything to me. TO ME. i dont care if other people are fat, but they usually have beautiful skin and etc. i am soo jealous with them. i want to be healthy with an ideal weight because i want a higher level of confidence in me. *i just cant get rid this kind of mentality. and i want to fit ideally into skirts and tudung labuh and etc. with my physical now, i always think that by wearing those skirts, tudung labuh and etc will make me look like a woman with 9 babies. at the same time, i dont want to wear those ketat nak mampus baju. that is totally hideous. 

so, since i am REALLY BROKE. i want to try something that just across my mind. since i am going 21 this 19.12. i will try this strictly diet which i need to;

1. drink herbalife product during my breakfast and dinner.
2. stop eating any junk food such as biscuits and etc between the breakfast, lunch and dinner.
3. drink 4 liters of water everyday.

wish me luck. insyaAllah. ;) btw this challenge start on 21.11-18.12. we will review those progress and see the result after 28 days!

i cant talk

assalamualaikum ;)

i'm going to start doing my PSM project but at the time i feel like i want to rant something about me. i cant talk. yes, i cant. but not that kind of cant talk, it is kinda like in some situations, i cant talk fluently. these situations happen when i try to start a conversation with someone, at my presentation with some topics that i have or haven't prepared for and when the time that i have the lowest level of confidence. it is always sucks when all of these situations came to me.

btw, when it all happens i will tend to start lying to 'expand' the conversation and speech. i know it sucks and at some point. i hate that. and that is the reason why i hardly speaking to others or start a conversation especially with those i dont feel going to talk to or some strangers. i have the difficulties to expand the topic that we are talking. but u will never know the time when i talk to Shafil, it will be like bullets coming from my mouth. i always tell him tht i didnt talk to anybody except him. so, all my thoughts and ideas will be channeled to him. and the fact tht i know is, he will always hear to all the craps that i am talking. hhi.

i just dont know what craps to talk about. everything are really organized inside my head, but to translate those things inside my head, that is the hardest part for being me too. i wish i could be Maria Elena.

End of my midterm holiday

Assalamualaikum ;)

today is the last day of my midterm holiday. and as usual, i didnt do any of my assignments *yayyy for that. thnk God sbb xde bwk blk bku pn. klau tak sia2 ja bwak blk. hhi. at the same time now, i do feel scared, sbb kje tak siap. n everythng is just near the deadlines. i 'm gonna kill myself sooner or later and my psm is totally killing me. with the other subjects projects. *migrain.melampau. thinking of starting everything by tomorrow. and next two weeks will going to be a really damn hectic week. nsib laa. pdan muka.

solutions for this problems,fifah?
♥FOCUS with all the assingments
♡NO MOVIES, SHOPPING, WASTING TIMES WITH NOTHINGS
♥Work,study,work
♡Never ever giveup!!!

the 3rd blog

assalamualaikum ;)

basically this is my third blog. i got two blogs before but they will be deleted after this since they contain all those such randomly random words and stories. so this 3rd baby will be blog about all my random things too. it will be my diary. *hha.diary i do read about; as an Islam, i should actually tell those on head to Allah. but, there is/are something that i need as my own space to tell or just to let go my feelings and thought. 

so i will be back to something that i used to do longg time ago. BLOGGING my thoughts and feelings.