ALHAMDULILLAH.for all the thing that i have.

thank you Allah.

for everything that I have. and for everyone that I met.

and I promise myself that I will do even better in

my relationship with You,

my parents, siblings and family,

friends, lecturers and all the people.

INSYAALLAH.

...

my study

because I will work even harder

please, 

help me Allah in understanding all the journals, 

ease me in writing and make my readers understand what I'm trying to say.

rant on parenthood

it is just a random thought. from a daughter, to their parents. anonymously.

just got a call from my lil brother. he said, he was punched by this boy at the school. 2 times! just because he was called 'bapok'. i wonder how those 12 years old boy learn the word bapok. i mean, they are just 12 kot. it is mean! but the thing is, he told my parents. and what my dad said was... 'it is okay. there is nothing worst pn'. like what? you can just tell your son things like that? but if those cases happened at his school, amboi. bukan main lagi. the intention of me writing this is not to embarrassed my father. NO! not at all. but, it made my heart felt like... i don't know. i do believe that my brother would not do anything wrong to the bully-er. it is not I am being bias. but he is my brother, i know him. i know that he is called bapok because he is soft-hearted. is this how the world is? you are being bullied because you are nice and polite to others. Allah...

at one point, i felt that we as siblings are not being treated well by our parents. because they are too busy. and, i am not complaining. i just want to know. where is our right as their child? it is my history. and our history. i am grateful with what we have now. Alhamdulillah for that. despite that, our relationship with our parents is not like others people that can literally bond with their parents. and sometimes i feel devastated that i am a daughter of a religious teacher but i never really practiced the way of islamic living *is that is what it is called? i know it is our effort thatto live the way of islamic life but doesn't it is a bonus if one of my parents is a religious teacher? well in my family, it happens to be, NO. we learnt Islam like other kids at school. in class. and never at home. it's not that we does not practicing Islam-way-of-life at home. but, xde beza pun between us and other people. 

.......

and you know what? this make me feel that i don't want any kids. i am afraid that i will do the same. i will treat them right and i will make my work as my priority. and not my kids. 

when the dunya become the main priority, we lose our main aim that is the highest jannah and that make us belong to those people who are lost. Allah, please guide us to the right path. please...

Allah, please forgive my mom and my dad. i know that they are trying really hard to give the best accommodation for us in this dunya. but we halalkan everything. 

did u ever...

urghhh. i don'tknow where to start!

ok. pernah tak. when u are telling someone about your problems, then the answer from the person is not what u really expected? for my experience, it happens all the time. well i guess there are only 2 people that can really persuade me to make me feel better. my mom and my supervisor.

as for myself, to confess something to someone is a one big thing. seriously. it's hard for me to share my problems with everybody else. because i always set in my mind that i can handle this. but at one point, this matter will eventually change my attitude. i tend to be stressed. loose focus. and my relationship with all the people will turn out to be teruk gila. i won't talk to people. since in my mind i always think that people will try to approach me. then ask for my problems. thennn i could get a really inspirational advice. disney movie sgt.

and this happen to be my biggest struggle of my life. and at the end. i'll cry. then i talk to my mom. goshh. sometimes to do something, u need to face up for yourself. i guess... 

timeline

23 March 2017

Done with master!

-waiting for viva presentation-

get a job; part time lecturer or tutor

September 2017

Continue study; PhD

save money to buy my own home and car

Dear Afifah. In case you forgot.

18th January 2015.

Along : 

Ummi, betulka keputusan yang Along buat untuk sambung master ni?

Ummi : 

InsyaAllah betul. Bukankah itu yang Along cita-citakan? Cuma mungkin jarak yang jauh buat along rasa sunyi, apatah lagi kawan kawan along tidak bersama Along. Apa pun Ummi tetap sokong cita-cita Along ini. Dekatkan diri kepada Allah, kerana Ummi rasa ada yang telah me-was-was pilihan Along. 

Ayuh, dayung sudah di tangan jangan biar perahu tenggelam sebelum sampai ke tepi. Faham maksud Ummi? Usaha sungguh-sungguh, jangan mudah putus asa selagi cita-cita belum tercapai nanti jadi buang masa, buang duit, buang tenaga. Berakit-rakit ke hulu berenang ke tepian bersakit dahulu bersenang kemudian. Tak lama along. 1 1/2 tahun sahaja. 

Pejam celik akan selesai, seperti Along buat degree dulu. Kuatkan semangat.

Allah tak suka orang berputus asa.

Boleh Along?

Because you are my the source of my strength. I just love you so much, Ummi.

A confession

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. (In the name of Allah, the most gracious, most merciful)

Assalamua'laikum. (May peace be upon you)

Ya Allah. I have a confession to make. I know that this is not the right place for me to spill the problems but I guess that this might be helpful to me. I just need to get this 'thing' out of my heart. U know, I got an opportunity to further my master study here, at UTHM. And Alhamdulillah I am very grateful for this chance. But, there are something that holding me back. I'm homesick. Like VERY HOMESICK. I miss my home; more like I miss my family. I miss my brothers and sisters. I miss my Ummi and Walid. Owh Allah. Only He knows how lonely I am here. You know, after being at home for about six months and suddenly you need to move from your own comfort shelter. It is just not the right feeling. I guess I am quite manja. 

But now, thinking back about what is happening all around me. I think I need to sit back, take an ablution and start praying and say thanks to Allah for the opportunity that He has given to me. As what Ummi has said to me;

"Bukan semua orang bertuah macam Along. After finished your practical, 

u got an offer to do master. Dan bukan macam orang lain yang mungkin nak kena cari rumah

sewa and everything, Along dapat dengan senang. Allah dah mudahkan jalan untuk Along.

Dah tu, master along setahun setengah ja."

Yes, this is what I want. I want to continue my study. And this is what I get. 

Dear Me,

I would remind to you about something. Do you remember that once you really want to go to MRSM. And Allah has grant your wishes. He gives you the opportunity to go to MRSM. And yes. You are homesick just because you can't live with your family anymore. You start to make a lot of problems. And I remember how Ummi and walid are really worried about you. They willing to fetch you from asrama after working hours and bring you back home. And, did you remember that for the first two weeks they willing to take your dirty laundry and bring back home so that you don't have to wash your own clothes even at that time you are already 16 years old? And did you remember that on every weekend they would come to you and take you for shopping and you just could spend all of their money without thinking about anything else. And they don't even say anything just because they love u. Didn't you notice that even your brothers and sisters does not have the privileges like you have? 

And what you have given to them? You didn't even focus or concentrate on your study. You failed your SPM. You broke your own dreams. And also YOUR PARENTS DREAM. You give nothing even they have give everything to you.

Dear Me,

I know that you could not remember everything that **** have done for you. But, by remembering some of them; they are all too much. They love you so much even you have done so many problems and the worse thing is, you never help them to build their way to Jannah. Think Me. Think. You have received the chance that you really want. Then do it the best you can. Never ever try to give up. **** really hope that you would make this thing right. They want the best for you. And they support you. Just look around you. Just look at how much they have spend for you. **** bought you a new laptop, a new printer and give you a car so that it will be easier for you. So that you will have the best convenience. And not to forget. Please remember how hard they have work for you and your siblings.

Dear Me,

Please remember that **** is now 51 and **** is already 55. They did not want you to stay with them for forever. They want you to fulfill your dreams so that it might be easier for you to help yourself if the time come. Please remember that you got your brothers and sisters that you need to take care of. Please Me. Do really focus on what Allah has given to you. Be grateful with it and do the best you can. Remember that Allah is there for you. ****, Angah, Alang, Achik and Adik are with you too. Just be strong not to give up. Remember them. And be glad and grateful with what you have.

Wish you ALL THE BEST. This is just temporary. The 1 and 1/2 years will be end at no time. And you will be reading this with a big smile on your face. I love you.

I wish for a better future; I shall work for it.

I have listed some of the things that I wish that I can get and it turns out that I still didn't get any of it. I didn't blame anyone for this *since I am always blames every single person around me if I didn't get what I want but for this time, I blame myself for not putting my effort to get what I want. So, what did I want?

I want to study abroad. YES. 

I have always wanted to go study overseas since in Form 1. It is such a great pleasure for me to get the opportunity to go somewhere as long as it is not located in Malaysia. I just want to see different cultures, go and travel for more new things and experiences. But I guessed that my effort is just not enough. And I wish that I have double and triple my effort before. As after my SPM I wish that I could continue my degree in Dublin, Ireland and I failed. After matric I still wish to continue my degree somewhere overseas and yet again I failed my matric and my dreams. 

Until then, my dreams have just fade away until this evening, I saw one of my friend posted her pictures pursuing her master study in Manchester. Gila kau tak jeles? I think this my time. I need to accomplish my dream and continue my study in the other side of world. 

and I pray really hard, also work for my dream.

Totally Possesive

yayy. being writing my blog again. pftttt. after hmm about a year. yes, a year! now, i'm done with my PSM. yup. i'm done with my psm and i got an a for my final year project. wohooo! Alhamdulillah *praise to Allah ;) and and and i finally got 3.66 for my final semester. well, at least i could feel how getting dean list is all about *which is feel nothing sbb i won't be receiving awards pn. sobss. but still, i got to cross out some of my wishlist! 

but now, i had finished all my classes, labs, assignments and etc and i have started my internship for about 2 moths already. i feel so insecure about my position. well yeah, since i'm not 'working' at a big company like Petronas *which i had been dreaming for, Gates IT and some more other big company. It just that i felt like, where is my chance to prove that I can do it? Where is the chance for me to shine? I really want to get the opportunity to work at those big company. I just want to try the environment! I just want it so damn much! But, thinking about it again, do I really want to go there because I want because I am qualified enough? Or maybe because I can be proud on where do I did my internship so that I can be proud of myself compared to my friends. Astaghfirullah *I ask Allah forgiveness. However, I still really hope that I can go to a company like that. I just want to feel how is it to be working in a big company with such great people. I just want to feel the rush. *sighhh. I hope that Allah will give me an opportunity to go and work there, someday. Or He might have other better plan for me. Might be. InsyaAllah *If Allah wills it.

pfttt..not a perfect timing

yup. not a perfect timing. i really wish that i can finish my degree asap. *dengan cemerlang nya. ok? i really tired with all of the assignments, projects, test, quizzes AND my PSM project which all of these thang need to be done within a month and some of them need to be done within a week. ughh stress. back to myself, i am who are damn lazy to do my works. i used to be a sleeping partner when it comes to system development. but na ahh, i am the one who do the report thingyy. so, my expert is with the report that no one ever care about. but, for this year, i need to juggle everything since i try really hard not to be in the same group with my clique. because i think that i want to do by myself. sighhhhhh..

well, for every semester, i always want to give up. then i will tell ummi. but then ummi said that; give up is the attitude that satan loved. they always wanted the children of Adam to give up. and ummi also tell me that it is even harder when she was sent by TokAyah to Jordan to further her study. there is no sms, whatsapp or even cellphone for my mom to use at that time. the alternative for her to contact to my grandparents is through letters. it is rough. and i believe that the only strength for her is just herself and Allah. which, i need to follow my mom's determination. i can't give up. i am given with all of the facilities by my parents. this is the time for me to repay to my parents for what have they give to me.

me vs. diet

assalamualaikum ;)

soo okay. for a food lover like i am, diet is something that can be VERY stressful to me. like. seriously. i love foods. really love all kind of foods. sort of. and to have this kind of belly can be very challenging. my belly cant be called belly but boyot, buncit and boroi. it's sad. i think i have been dreaming for having this flat tummy since teenagers and now i'm turning ladies and merely transforming to be a woman. i am 20. and i am about 8_kg. thank god that i have been gifted with this tall figure. but at some point, i can look like a giant. *long sighhhh.

but i'm being a such ungrateful person to my Lord. i just want something that might bring another level of confidence to me. maybe some people think that physical appearance is nothing but it is everything to me. TO ME. i dont care if other people are fat, but they usually have beautiful skin and etc. i am soo jealous with them. i want to be healthy with an ideal weight because i want a higher level of confidence in me. *i just cant get rid this kind of mentality. and i want to fit ideally into skirts and tudung labuh and etc. with my physical now, i always think that by wearing those skirts, tudung labuh and etc will make me look like a woman with 9 babies. at the same time, i dont want to wear those ketat nak mampus baju. that is totally hideous. 

so, since i am REALLY BROKE. i want to try something that just across my mind. since i am going 21 this 19.12. i will try this strictly diet which i need to;

1. drink herbalife product during my breakfast and dinner.
2. stop eating any junk food such as biscuits and etc between the breakfast, lunch and dinner.
3. drink 4 liters of water everyday.

wish me luck. insyaAllah. ;) btw this challenge start on 21.11-18.12. we will review those progress and see the result after 28 days!

i cant talk

assalamualaikum ;)

i'm going to start doing my PSM project but at the time i feel like i want to rant something about me. i cant talk. yes, i cant. but not that kind of cant talk, it is kinda like in some situations, i cant talk fluently. these situations happen when i try to start a conversation with someone, at my presentation with some topics that i have or haven't prepared for and when the time that i have the lowest level of confidence. it is always sucks when all of these situations came to me.

btw, when it all happens i will tend to start lying to 'expand' the conversation and speech. i know it sucks and at some point. i hate that. and that is the reason why i hardly speaking to others or start a conversation especially with those i dont feel going to talk to or some strangers. i have the difficulties to expand the topic that we are talking. but u will never know the time when i talk to Shafil, it will be like bullets coming from my mouth. i always tell him tht i didnt talk to anybody except him. so, all my thoughts and ideas will be channeled to him. and the fact tht i know is, he will always hear to all the craps that i am talking. hhi.

i just dont know what craps to talk about. everything are really organized inside my head, but to translate those things inside my head, that is the hardest part for being me too. i wish i could be Maria Elena.

End of my midterm holiday

Assalamualaikum ;)

today is the last day of my midterm holiday. and as usual, i didnt do any of my assignments *yayyy for that. thnk God sbb xde bwk blk bku pn. klau tak sia2 ja bwak blk. hhi. at the same time now, i do feel scared, sbb kje tak siap. n everythng is just near the deadlines. i 'm gonna kill myself sooner or later and my psm is totally killing me. with the other subjects projects. *migrain.melampau. thinking of starting everything by tomorrow. and next two weeks will going to be a really damn hectic week. nsib laa. pdan muka.

solutions for this problems,fifah?
♥FOCUS with all the assingments
♡NO MOVIES, SHOPPING, WASTING TIMES WITH NOTHINGS
♥Work,study,work
♡Never ever giveup!!!

the 3rd blog

assalamualaikum ;)

basically this is my third blog. i got two blogs before but they will be deleted after this since they contain all those such randomly random words and stories. so this 3rd baby will be blog about all my random things too. it will be my diary. *hha.diary i do read about; as an Islam, i should actually tell those on head to Allah. but, there is/are something that i need as my own space to tell or just to let go my feelings and thought. 

so i will be back to something that i used to do longg time ago. BLOGGING my thoughts and feelings.